Writings of a boy
by Flyawayfreedom
Summary: Drabbles and Oneshots showing Ritsu's emotions and view on various things.
1. Jaded conceptualization of love

**This is written from Ritsu's pov after he left for England. **

Love

I don't understand it.

i don't understand how someone could be so willing to expose so much of yourself to another person – to share yourself, while betting on having your feelings return or – the risk of getting hurt and never recover from it.

I thought i understood love.

My parents love me, and I love them. Simple enough, I understand that. But to risk getting my heart shredded to tiny bits and go through all the insufferable pain for the sake of that short moment of delusional happiness?

No.

I wouldn't do that. Not again.

Back then, in middle school, I was so sure he loved me.

The way he wrapped his long arms around me, cocooning me in his warm embrace. When he held me tightly in his arms and kissed me with such intensity but gentleness,I thought I knew for sure he loved me. Softly, the white curtains of the school library blow, the edges brushing against our uniform as we stood under the afternoon sunlight. I felt the warmth of his skin seeping into mine, and the rhythm of our hearts pounding together in unison.

At that moment, I thought I knew for sure, that he loved me.

I thought I knew what love was.

But weeks later, i learnt that i know nothing at all. All the time what i thought was love was actually just a cruel joke by a bored upperclassman who had too much time on his hands. In the end, the joke was on me. In the end, i was the one with a broken heart.

How does it even work?

You give yourself to someone, handing them your purest intentions and sincerest feelings over, and gamble that they will love you back?

No.

That didn't work out before.

How could anyone possible want to experience something like that a second time?

Unrequited love was hard enough, but having your feelings taken for ungranted was so much worse.

They say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't heal the scars.

I don't think... I don't think... I ever want to fall in love again.

I can't risk getting my heart-broken once more.

Perhaps, things would be better off if I'm alone.

- Onodera Ritsu

**Author's Notes:**

**Hey guys, this is my first time writing a story related to SeKaiichi Hatsukoi so i hope i didn't do too badly considering the high standards of the fanfic this anime/manga has. (Seriously, you guys are such amazing writers !)**

**This is sort of like a diary entry/view of things Ritsu has after his heart got broken and his fear of love afterwards. I thought it was more of a gradually progress and many other things before he turned into the jaded adult he is today :/ Hence, the title '' Jaded conceptualization of love. ''**

**I hope you enjoy it and feel free to leave any comments !**


	2. 5 seconds

5 seconds

That was all it took for Oneodera Ritsu to fall in love the first time. Hand outstretched, he was tiptoeing and jumping up and down, struggling to reach the book that caught his eye on the upper rack of the tall library shelf. Then, like a flash of lightning – out of nowhere – a hand had appeared and removed the book from its place. The stranger passed the book to Ritsu, fulfilling a small act of kindness. Five seconds for Ritsu to turn around and say thanks, register his face and – fall in love.

5 seconds

The time wasn't enough for Ritsu to compute everything and decide rationally before the words left his mouth. Caught off guard by his question,

_How do you know my name?_

Ritsu's hidden feelings which he kept so tightly to himself for 3 years rushed down on him, flooding him with all sorts of things. The moment he realised the senior who he had been watching from the side for so long was standing right _in front_ of him instead of sitting far way, he couldn't avoid it anymore. Somewhere, in a part of his young brain, it concluded that it was too much to contain the overwhelming emotions any longer, causing Ritsu to spill out that one sentence which summons up everything. That one sentence which mattered.

_Senpai, I love you._

5 seconds

In that incredibly short span of time, Onedera Ritsu had his world shattered. Upon hearing the question, the older boy sitting opposite laughed at the absurdity of it. Two seconds for the older boy to ridicule him by snickering, two heartbeats for Ritsu to understand the truth of the situation, feeling the sickening twist of having his insides turned around – and one second for his heart– and faith – to break completely .

5 seconds

It took only 5 seconds for everything to happen.

**Author's Notes:**

Hi readers ! Firstly, I realised I forgot to put a disclaimer in the first story :/

I DO NOT OWN Sekaiichi Hatsukoi, Nakamura sensei does. The characters are not mine.

So about this entry, the idea for it started as a poem but I expanded it into a short essay instead.

It's about how fast everything happened for Ritsu and how unavoidable it was. Hope you like it.

Special shout out to Miss **TeiraaTrue f**or leaving such a nice, encouraging first review for me! Thank you so much!


	3. Disappearing act

The bookshelf walls of his room were closing on him, and the space in there suddenly seemed too small, too suffocating .Onodera Ritsu lay on his bed, curling underneath the cover, isolated from the world he was hiding from. Tightly strangled by the sick feeling of his insides being twisted, the young boy pulls the comforter closer towards him. It didn't feel better; it only got worst. If it wasn't for the fact he was so heartbroken, he would be surprise that he didn't break down right away then in Senpai's room.

'_How could I be so stupid?'_

Questions swamped him. Immediately, when he reached home, Ritsu dropped his bag and headed for the privacy of his room, immensely grateful that he was alone in the large house. The pain in his stomach didn't subside- but amplified- much like the ache in his heart. The seemingly endless rows of books surrounding him did nothing to help. It only serves as a reminder of the horrible afternoon. Another glance at his room again and the brunette might turn claustrophobia. If he looks at one more book, Onodera Ritsu swears he'll tear his bedroom down with his bare hands.

_We're going out right?_

Continuously, like a never ending loop, the scene replayed in Ritsu's head.

_Ha_

The sound of the senior's laughter stabbed deeply into the youth's fragile heart. The student's face contorted in pain, squirming as a sharp pain shot up in his stomach.

'_Was I wrong all this time? '_

Clutching his chest, tears welled up in teenager's eyes, on the verge of dropping. Frantically, Ritsu search through all his memories, wondering when he ever misread the senior's intention. Did he miss out on something? Or did he imagine everything?

'_So he never loved you'_

As the thought occurred to Ritsu, the tears streamed down instantly. Senpai wouldn't have laughed if he was serious. He wouldn't have left the junior's question unanswered.

3 years. Ritsu spent 3 years pinning after him. Having his feelings returned was a dream come true- one that he didn't even dare to touch- who knew it turned out to be a horrible nightmare?

_Is this how heartbreak feels like? _questioned the teenager. There was only one word to it – sick. Completely and indefinitely sick. Being torn into pieces; being mashed up, and being used. .Sick.

Nauseous, the contents of his stomach was making their way rapidly up to the teenager's throat. Ritsu raced to the toilet, kneeing before it as the contents forced their way out. Lowering his head down, hot tears continued pouring down his cheeks as his stomach contracted sharply in pain. Echoes bounced around the enclosed room. Never more had he wanted to die than at that moment. Kneeing there, Ritsu let the tears drop as the realization sunk in completely.

_He never did love you_

One after another, the tears dropped. Uncontrollably, the young boy's thin frame shook violently, as if an earthquake was taking place inside of him.

Wearily, the despondent youth made his way back to his bedroom after flushing the toilet, cleaning away the evidence of his heartbreak. Hastily, he wiped at his face the remaining tears using the toilet paper he tore from the room. It didn't matter that he was so sick that it was the first time he threw up; the unimaginable pain in the centre of his chest was still there, gnawing at him.

'_How am I supposed to face you now?_'

For the entire period, until his father came back, Ritsu spent the whole time thinking. The vicious thoughts won't leave him alone, hounding and barking at him like rapid dogs. In the silence of his room, the loud ticking of his clock did nothing but fuel the doubts in his head. All the speculation and insecurities drove the brunette into one direction. The shocking realization he had made earlier left him utterly confused, keeping him awake until the moon was high up in the dark midnight blue sky. The boy was tearing himself apart.

The second he heard his dad entered the house, Ritsu jumped from his bed and ran out to him.

'' Otosan! '' Ritsu burst out of his room, approaching his dad.

''Yes Ritsu ? '' asked his dad as he removed his shoes.

''I want to study in England,'' said Ritsu hurriedly, rushing his words. ''As soon as possible, anywhere will do. ''

Ritsu's dad paused, and stared at his son. ''England? ''

''Yes,'' answered Ritsu, praying that his dad will assume that it was his passion for literature which made his son to request something as abrupt as studying somewhere overseas, as far as England. ''Literature'', Ritsu added, as if the one word could explain everything.

''As soon as possible?''

''Yes''

Looking at Ritsu, his dad's stare remained fixed on his son. The teenager was uncharacteristically vehement about the request. Ritsu fidgeted anxiously, twisting his fingers nervously together. Gulping, the brunette was feeling the heat rushing to his face as he waited for an answer to his bizarre and sudden request. He hoped there weren't any tell-tale signs on his face, or anywhere else that might give his real reason away. Calmly, he tried to rearrange his expression into something less agitated.

''Alright,'' agreed Ritsu's dad after a moment of consideration, noticing the abandoned schoolbag on the floor. Without any further questioning, the owner of Onodera publishing house walked towards the main bedroom. '' I will discuss with your Mum tonight about the arrangement. ''

Incredibly relieved, a massive sigh escaped the teenager's lips as he went back to his room. Suddenly, the young boy felt very drained. His head was as light as a feather and his limbs as heavy as a ton .The final thing will be calling in sick at school until he could leave the country and never see that person again. Feeling the lure of sleep tugging at him, Ritsu collapsed dizzily on his bed and shut his eyes, exhausted.

Just for a while, he was able to forget everything.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

This third piece is about how Ritsu requested studying overseas due to the misunderstanding. I titled it 'Disappearing act' as Ritsu subsequently disappeared from Saga senpai's life without a trace, kind of like a magic trick.

Poor Saga/Takano-san. Bet he didn't expect that huh ?

And whether Ritsu's dad knew anything, is up to your interpretation.

I DO NOT OWN Sekaiichi Hatsukoi, Nakamura sensei does. The characters are not mine.


End file.
